Feelings: A Theory

As a growing teenager, I’m bound to meet other teenagers, boy or girl. And as how Indonesian culture is, I am supposed to like boys.

(No, but, I do like boys. I do.)

I will admit that several boys in my school do look good. At the very least, decent. Some have talents that go with their pretty faces as well. Sadly, however, I do not belong in the ‘pretty’ or ‘popular’ or ‘pretty and popular’ (the latter which most boys prefer) categories. Ha-ha.

Not that I mind, though. I am not exactly someone who would like all the spotlight directed to her. Although yes, sometimes I do wish I get one of the lights, most times I don’t. They and I are from different worlds. I prefer reading, writing, actually learning something, be left on my own or have my own small group of friends; they most likely prefer gossiping, hanging out in big packs, or make people feel bad. You know, your classic Plastics. 

What also differentiates me from those people is feelings. I’m not an expert at expressing my feelings in real life; I usually rant to my friends on private chats, or to just a few persons, while they rant to nearly everyone in public (i.e. Line timeline, twitter, Path, ask.fm, you name it.) Maybe not the important things, no, but the small things, like losing a boyfriendmissing their boyfriend, not having any boyfriend, or ‘getting friendzoned‘.

I will admit that I had some flings prior to writing this post, and although I did enjoy the companion, I am not exactly a fan of being attached to the hip with someone I don’t really know.

Unlike in the Western rom-coms I have seen or watched, boys that had went my way wanted things to go fast. One day of flirting, the next day he should’ve had a girlfriend. (Alright, not that quick, but you get my point.)

Which is not my preferred way ever. I’d rather be friends first, actual friends (because in Indonesian you don’t call your classmates or schoolmates acquaintances unless you only know the name, they’re all friends), then I’ll see if he’s a potential boyfriend or not. Too bad, it’s not how the way it goes here.

I am also not a girl who likes to pour all my heart to a fake fling where I don’t even know my partner fully (or even if I do, I loathe everything I know). Unfortunately, that’s how most boys are like in my school (as far as I know).

The girls are also like that, but it’s expected from a girl. I’m alright with that fact (not really). But the boys… oh god.

I praise those who made the one year strike, and maybe that’s what should be called a relationship really even though you’re fucking twelve to fifteen years old who hadn’t even gone to senior fucking high school, and I understand their misery if their ‘relationship’ is over eventually or other bad things (I’m not praying for this to happen, I swear), but for those who didn’t even go as far as half a year… and cries over a lost fling.

Alright, I won’t play the boys shouldn’t cry stereotype as I always tell my guy friends to cry if they felt like it to release some emotion, but… dear god, do you really have to cry over losing a companion you probably don’t know much about and only been there for a few months? Grow up.

I don’t like crying nor I like seeing people cry over me. I was raised for not crying, and so I don’t. If I cry, then things have gone really bad. But otherwise, I’d do something else. That’s why I get confused whenever a friend asked what do I do when I feel sad. I don’t know. I’d be doing something I’ve always been doing, be it writing, watching tv, or dancing under the rain. (The latter is a lie.) When other people are asked the same question, they’d say listen to sad songs (yes, very helpful indeed), lock themselves in their room, weep, or smash things.

I know that people do feel sad. I do feel sad. I just don’t do the same things people do when I get sad. I don’t lock myself in my room nor I listen to sad songs. I’d listen to any song I prefer that time. I’d listen to Minaj’s Anaconda if I feel like doing it even if I’m sad.

I think it’s just me who’s weirded out by people’s actions, I suppose. As I said, they and I came from different worlds. They’re aliens to me. Their actions are alien to me.

My point is, I don’t understand why would you feel sad over a fling that won’t even matter ten years from now, when you don’t know the players personally nor you understood what were you going into. I also don’t understand why do they tend to make small things big and let everyone know; not all people are really intrigued with your cat’s pooping in an abnormal manner, right?

Oh well… maybe I need to learn what to do when interacting with hormonal teenagers.

Talking about hormonal, maybe that’s what happening to them. Their hormones. But if so, then why I’m not like them? Did my hormones react sooner than them so when I’m done with mine, they were just starting?

I don’t know.

(P.S. all written in here is my own opinion. I apologise for anything that offend you. but not really)

~ Dyah Ayu Saraswati

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